This has been a difficult week. I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones, the holidays (which are always hard for me) or a combination of both. Most days have been spent crying and/or fretting, which tires even me out. I feel guilty that I should be so happy right now with baby on the way yet I’m just so down and sad all the time and I cannot snap out of it, no matter how hard I try.
I’m missing my dad a whole lot lately, I always do around Christmas. I would give anything to have him around, to be able to celebrate with him and it breaks my heart that he’s not here.
I also found another lump on my dog. I won’t be removing this one for testing because it seems to be just like the lipoma he had removed in October, plus I can’t put him through another surgery so soon. It still makes me worry because he’s my fur baby and I don’t want anything to happen to him.
I’ve also had some “family” problems (well, step-family problems) which have played heavily on my mind and made things difficult.
Last but not least, I’m feeling incredibly lonely on so many levels. Seeing all my friends posting on Facebook about the Christmas parties they’re going to, swapping gifts, and I have nobody to do it with. As I’m self-employed and work entirely alone I have no work colleagues to have a party with. I made a jokey Facebook post with a photo of my pyjama clad self eating chocolates at home alone and captioned it about how that was an office Christmas party when you’re self-employed. One “friend” made a comment about how she’d have invited me to theirs had she known (she knows…she says it every year and yet I’m never invited). I’ve been trying to arrange a curry night for said friend and a few others for months and they keep telling me they’re too busy. Then last night I walked into an indian restaurant in the city to buy gift vouchers for someone this Christmas, and lo and behold, all of my so-called-friends who have been too busy to get together for a curry with me for months were sat there eating and drinking together. Talk about awkward. They saw me and avoided eye-contact. I cried all the way home at being omitted once again. It always happens. I don’t think it was necessarily done maliciously, I was just forgotten about. I left the office 4 years ago and despite keeping in touch, they no longer treasure the friendship with me the way I do with them. New people have started at the office and I’ve just slipped off the radar. But the truth is that these people are the only friends I’ve considered myself having, and I realised that I don’t have them after all. No effort is ever made to meet up with me or include me in things. I have nobody. I tried to arrange a breakfast date with my mum and sister today and they were too busy.
In 2018 I really need to combat this loneliness. I want to get a part-time job, I want to make friends, I want to have people I can meet up with and form bonds with. I want to start dating again, I want to have someone to share my life with. This has totally come at the wrong time because I highly doubt anyone would want to date a pregnant woman or a new mum but maybe someone will…
Single pregnancy is SO much more lonely than I ever imagined. I wish I had someone to come to appointments and scans with, someone to tell that my baby is finally moving, someone to go through it with me and care. I fear that once baby arrives I’ll be even more housebound and lonely, and for the first time I ever-so-slightly regret that he only has me. I doubt I’ll ever have another baby, and it breaks my heart to think that once I’m gone he’ll have nobody but an aunty, an uncle and one cousin. He has one parent and one grandparent and that’s it. I really need to start trying for baby #2 as soon as I am ready so that he can hopefully have a brother or sister to share life with and not end up so lonely as me. I hope that I’ll meet a man who will love him as much as me and will be a good role model for him.
I am so, so grateful but also so shocked because this is not how I expected pregnancy to be.