What’s going on

Thank you to those who have reached out, worried that I’ve dropped off the planet! It’s been about 6 weeks since my last post and I am fine, I just don’t have a lot to post about really.

Down regulation was fine and my baseline scan went well. I started stims on Tuesday so today is day 4. I did 300iu for the first 3 days and tonight I drop down to 225. My first scan is on Monday and I’m both excited and nervous as hell about whether my follicles are going to do anything this time.

The family I have been nannying/babysitting for over the last 2.5 years told me that they are moving away at the end of this month. While I knew that they would be moving, the date was brought forward from the end of this year so it’s come around very suddenly. I’m sad to see them go, particularly the little girl. I’m also sad at the loss of a lot of money each month! I’ve been trying to find a new family but I’ve not clicked with anyone like I did with this one.

So I’ve been on the hunt for a part-time job! Nothing has come up yet, but I’ve signed up with Amazon Flex to do some ad-hoc deliveries for them. At £15 an hour and being able to sign up for delivery slots whenever I’m available. It should help pay the IVF bills while I’m looking for more stable work. Ideally I want a part-time, weekdays only job where I meet other colleagues and make friends lol. But delivering will do for now. I’m trying to buy a particular house and need an annual salary of £45,000 to get the mortgage for it, so that’s my goal. Every little helps!

Here we go, again

I had treatment planning today, and I’m officially booked in to start this cycle. I start down reg (Suprecur) on June 29th, with EC likely to be end of July/early August.

I also started Metformin today which I hope works some magic! I ended up buying it directly from the clinic (£8 a month…) rather than continue waiting for it to be prescribed on the NHS (2 weeks and still waiting!) I’m not entirely sure why my consultant offered to write to my GP rather than offer to sell it to me for £8. I’m paying £5000 for this cycle of IVF, what’s another £8?! ha

Tomorrow, NHS appointment. Nowhere near my weight loss goal sadly but hopefully she’ll have some info for me.

Happy birthday to me

I’m 32 today, another year older, another year that I’m not a mum. I have had a great weekend despite that negative thought though, after finally managing to get up to London yesterday to meet up with my old friends and have a wonderful day/night (and for a change it was a purely social meeting, no work! Yay!)

But 32 is here, and hopefully by 33 I’ll at least be pregnant, if not a mother. Here’s to hoping – I have 365 days to try!

 

WTF appointment

We discussed what went wrong, and what we can do differently next time around. We have written off IUI for now because of potential egg-quality issues.

Next cycle of IVF will be the same as the first (where I got pregnant. Long protocol, 225 menopur for 5 days, up to 300 menopur, then lower as needed. Absolutely no Gonal-F. Maybe reverting to my original sperm donor if he has availability because I liked him the most.

Consultant has also put me on metformin to hopefully help insulin levels and in turn stim response.

I may start next cycle, or possibly the cycle after. I’m undecided yet. If this cycle, EC will be end of July, if next cycle end of August. I so desperately want to be pregnant before my sister gives birth in October.

Diet & Weight Loss

So as soon as my cycle was cancelled almost 2 weeks ago, I got cracking with my diet and weight loss. I still don’t know if I have PCOS (they still say ‘maybe’) but I felt that going back to a low-carb diet would help even if I don’t have PCOS (and if I do it’ll help tremendously!)

I started at 204lbs, and I’m currently down to 198 lbs. I’m also back to Zumba as of today and finally feel ready to do it – I tried a week ago but my ovaries were still a little too heavy/big. Today I was bouncing and twisting all over the place!

My follow-up appointment is May 31st, so in 2 weeks. I want to try to get down to 185 by then. No particular reason, just using the appointment as a marker.

My birthday, a trip to London and my NHS consultation is in 4 weeks, and I want/need to be down to 175 by the NHS appointment (or as bloody close to it as I can!) It’ll be nice to be a lower weight for my birthday trip to see friends also, I’ve not seen them in 3 years and I was at my heaviest weight then.

My NHS appointment requires a BMI of 30 or under to be added to the waiting list. If I’m not there, I’ll have to have another appointment for a couple of months later to check if I’m at the BMI threshold then so the sooner I can get onto the waiting list the better. It’ll be very tough going to get down another 23 lbs in 4 weeks but I’ve done it before and I can do it again, it’s just a case of sticking to this low-carb diet until then and exercising moderately.

My BMI started out at 36 at my NHS appointment in March, and now it’s 34, so 2/3 of the way there!

Between the diet, 5 zumba classes a week and 3 miles of dog walking a day I should be ok  🙂 I’ll just have to save my birthday cake for after my NHS appointment haha

TTC Jealousy

Real Talk. TTC Jealousy is a real thing, and I’m owning up to mine. There are no excuses for it, you’re simply under a lot of long-term pressure when trying to get pregnant (whether naturally or through assisted methods) and especially if you add in all the artificial hormones and disappointment, the green-eyed monster slowly makes her entrance without you realising, until one day you suddenly become aware that you’re a changed person – and not for the better.

This is my declaration that I’m aware of how bad I got, and that it’s not me, it’s simply a by-product of the 14 cycles I’ve gone through the last 4 years while trying to have a baby.

My recent thoughts:

“It’s so unfair that she/they got pregnant on their first cycle/month/year”

“They are expecting their second/third/millionth child in the time it’s taken me to have ONE!”

“Why does she deserve a baby more than me?”

“You’re so ungrateful, complaining about being pregnant/having a child. Some of us would kill to have what you have”

“I’m so angry that you’re pregnant and I’m not that I’m going to ignore you”

“I’m so angry that you’re pregnant and I’m not that when I get pregnant I’m going to going out of my way to not tell you or include you and hurt you in the process” (Yep, scarily this was in my mind for WEEKS! I’m not a horrible person usually, I promise)

If you’re having these horrible thoughts, it does not mean you’re a horrible person. It means you’re struggling. Speak to your clinic, ask for the number for a counsellor, go see them. Whether you go once or a hundred times, it will help you deal with your journey.

And that’s exactly what it is – YOUR journey. Persevere and you’ll reach a place of happiness. Maybe it won’t be where you thought it would be, but crying and lashing out on others will definitely not make you happy in the long-term.

 

90 days off ivf

Ok, sure I’m PREPPING for ivf#648368484, but you know what? I’m going to bloody well enjoy no needles, no driving 100 miles every other day, no worrying about things I can’t control.

Here I am, enjoying a nice bottle of Chardonnay. I’ve not drunk in…well, years because I’ve always been preparing for ivf. Ive had the whole bottle. I may be drunk.

I’m happy. I’m looking forward to doing stuff for me, living life, having every day be about something other than procreating. Until August anyway!

Rabbit Hole

I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, and for once this is not the fertility related one!

There’s a photographer whose work I love and follow. We met through a Facebook photography group. By chance tonight I was looking through her work and spotted….my ex’s wedding, shot by her! What are the odds? He still lives back in Florida and I’m in the UK now, and to be honest I hadn’t even noticed she was in Orlando! I was incredibly shocked to see how much weight he has gained – he is easily 400lbs in the photos and he was 180lbs when we broke up. Don’t worry, there are no feelings for him anymore so I am not upset at finding the photos (in fact I’m currently looking through their entire gallery on her website!)

I guess it’s just funny how life goes on. I’m really fine about it (although seeing his new wife’s honeymoon photos from Machu Picchu made my blood boil a little since it’s been my dream to go there and he promised to take me for our honeymoon (which I never got to go on because he changed his mind about marriage…I’d rather go without him anyway ;D)

What honestly annoys me though? He was still calling me and telling me he loved me until mid-May 2015. Only last week I was thinking that it’s been 2 years since he called me almost every night, and I felt a sense of relief. Then I saw their engagement photos were posted in April 2015, meaning while he was calling me nightly to tell me he still loved me and wanted me back (the sentiment was NEVER returned, I kept telling him to leave me the hell alone until I blocked his phone number) he was already engaged to her. They got married in November 2015, coincidently the very same day that I had my miscarriage. Life is funny like that – while I was writhing in agony passing my two precious babies, he was getting married. He’s a swine and doesn’t deserve any happiness in my opinion.

But that’s life. I’m happy on my own, I’m DEFINITELY happier without him in my life. I may blow a gasket if I should see that they’re expecting, but I’ll probably block them both so I don’t stumble across them accidentally.

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Still no tears

 

^ My current positive/uplifting/motivational theme. I’m prepping myself for birthday celebrations next month with my favourite people 😀

So refund arranged – slightly peeved that they are retaining a 10% “admin fee” which at no point have I been told about. Will definitely bring that up at my follow up with the consultant in a couple of weeks.

I had a call this morning from the NHS clinic giving me an appointment next week for counselling. I was told because I’m single and using donor sperm it’s mandatory, which is fine. I guess it’s a sign that things are moving in the right direction there. As soon as my BMI is under 30 I can go back to my NHS consultant and get referred – from there, there’s a 9-10 month wait to start IUI. I get 6 x IUI and 2 x IVF so lots of options.

Shower and bed now – I’m sick/allergies have kicked in 😦