Nearly 10 weeks

Forgive the late entry, it’s taken a while to be able to write this one

7 week scan showed babies. Definitely two, possibly a third. They couldn’t agree on whether it was indeed a third baby (and heartbeat) or just a mirror image of one of the other two. I had to drive to an office an hour away for a second and third opinion with two higher consultants, who still couldn’t say for sure. I just have to wait.

9 week scan showed 2 babies. I’d had a bleed the week before, and they think maybe that was the 3rd baby but they can’t be sure. But as of 9 weeks there are definitely two babies growing perfectly on track.

It’s been a shock to say the least. For the two weeks between the scans I didn’t function, at all. I just cried on the couch all day long. Twins changes everything, but also leaves a lot of uncertainty. I was planning for one baby to complete my family. One more would be fine, hopefully a birth just like my son’s where I was in and out in a day, where I could work up to 35-36 weeks again and not lose much income, where I already had everything I needed (car seat, pram, crib, cot etc) Suddenly, I have two on the way, and I need to stop work before my first day of work this summer (ah the joys of seasonal and self employed work) I have to change my car because I can’t fit 3 seats in mine, and definitely not my dog too. I need to buy another car seat, another crib, another cot…luckily the pram can be used as a double

I’m incredibly scared at two babies, and I wonder how on earth I’ll cope emotionally, financially, physically. Some way I’ll have to but right now it’s all I can do to get dressed each day and make it a few hours without crying.

I’ve graduated from the IVF clinic, and without a shadow of a doubt I can say I will never return – if this pregnancy doesn’t work out there is no more babies. I’m DONE. So that’s nice. My next scan will be my 3 month scan via the NHS.

One step at a time. One scary step at a time.

The results are in…

BFP! 🎉 I can’t believe both IUIs so far have resulted in positive tests.

Next hurdle is 7 week scan which should be first week of March. To be honest, not feeling too excited yet. After what happened last time I know a positive test doesn’t mean a baby sadly. I’ll relax a little if and when I get to my 12 week scan successfully.

*whispers* yay!

EDITED: Not long after posting this, I started bleeding. Only once, and only when I wiped, but it was a considerable amount and bright red. Right now, there’s no way to tell and nothing I could do anyway. I called my clinic straight away and my lovely consultant said to take an extra progesterone a day, rest, and keep testing to see if the lines get darker. Today’s is slightly darker, I think (see below) but not enough for me to be happy.

I have to call back on Friday to let the clinic know if tests are still positive/getting darker, and if so to book a scan for early March. I know it could go either way right now. Many women bleed and still have successful pregnancies, but many also have miscarriages or ectopics. Who knows right now. Will just have to wait and see.

Pupo!!!!

Yesterday was my IUI and it was such a great day. Two nice follicles and 70.2mil sperm hopefully getting it on right now

OTD Feb 12th. Please please please let this be it!

Which way to go?

A year ago, I was looking forward to 2020 being my best year of business ever. I was also starting my IUI that would work (although the baby would never make it to my arms)

Today, I have all but lost my business, thinking I’m absolutely insane for still going ahead with my plans for baby #2, and making cloth face masks in my dining room every night to bring us some money.

Right now, I honestly don’t know what 2021 will bring. It’s looking increasingly likely that my business will continue to suffer until 2022/2023 due to repeated cancelations and postponements of wedding bookings. I’ve toyed with the idea of closing up entirely and getting a job, still a possibility. We are getting by as it is, but I’m torn thinking that when my son starts school next September I could, in theory, get a full time job without paying out for childcare. By having another baby I’ll be starting all over again. When I think of that even I scream to myself ‘what are you doing?!’

But I know that I owe it to my son to do all I can, within reason, to give him a sibling. So I’m in this for the long haul it seems. Another 4 years at least until I’m no longer paying for childcare, should I be fortunate enough to have a second child.

I’ve had my consultation/treatment planning and it all starts on my January cycle. I have roughly 90 days to get my eggs absolutely golden and sperm-ready.

The New Beginning That Should Have Been

Around now, I should be welcoming a new little member into my family. My due date has come around quickly, and has been reminded in a very bittersweet way by my friend and cycle buddy giving birth to her little girl this weekend. We were only a day apart.

I’m ok. I’m sad, but I’m ok. I stood out in the garden this evening tending to the rose bush I buried baby under back at the start of the year, and wondered what could have been. My eyes fill with tears not knowing that little soul.

But what will be will be. January is fast approaching, the metformin seems to be working it’s magic so I’m hopeful that IUI#2 will give me a positive just like the first one did, except this one will stick around.

I miss you, sweet little one. Happy due date

Always Waiting

Well my luck ran out. Not that I’m sure I ever had any to begin with. The clinic is opening back up but cannot see me until August as they are prioritising those who were mid-cycle when they closed.

Due to all of this year’s work being postponed to Summer 2021, and the fact that most of them have already paid in full, I am simply not in a position to be due and need to cancel and refund them, especially after how horrific this year will be financially. We are at beans on toast for every meal right now, I’ve not had a penny of income for 2 months (thankfully I have a little savings) and I feel so incredibly low.

So, January or February 2021 it’ll have to be to try again. My heart is slightly broken; trying again is all that has gotten me through my miscarriage earlier this year. The thought of being another year again, even poorer quality eggs, being older, having my son being older…THIS WASN’T THE PLAN! That’s all I want to scream out. This wasn’t how it was meant to be.

I didn’t want him to be 3.5 years old before I had another – I wanted them close in age, I started trying before his 1st birthday!

I didn’t want to be 36 having my second baby, when my eggs are already in such terrible condition

I’m not just whining, I promise. This just wasn’t how things were meant to be. I desperately wanted them close in age so that they’d have a good chance of being close and growing up together, not 3-4 years apart. I wanted to be able to have them both still in the stroller so we could take long walks with the dog without me trying to chase one on foot, also chasing the dog and have a baby in a stroller. I wanted my mum to have all the time she possibly could have with them, and right now that’s looking dim. I wanted them to be just a year or two apart at school so that I wasn’t paying through the nose for nursery for longer than I had to, and once they were both in school I could get a second job if I needed to. I wanted to finally be able to start a relationship with someone without worrying about how I’d navigate having a baby with a donor without wrecking that relationship. Just all of my plans falling apart.

But I just wanted my second baby, and right now I’m struggling a lot with the emotions that I should be 7 months pregnant, I should be excitedly awaiting the arrival of Oliver’s little brother or sister. Instead, my child is buried in the cold ground and I’m empty and still mourning.

So many people I know are due around the time I was in July and my heart just can’t handle it. I can’t speak to them, I just don’t have the energy to be happy for them when I’m hurting so much.

I’m trying to focus on the positive and will hopefully use this time to lose weight and get healthy, but we all know that means shit – I say it every time and I just get fatter and more depressed.

I just want my baby back.

TTC #2 – the mock cycles

I’m trying to remain positive and hopeful. I’m sending energy out to the universe that the clinics will be back up and running by July so that I can at least have one attempt this summer (otherwise it’ll be January at the earliest 😦 )

I’ve been back on my metformin for a couple of months now, and while I’m sad that it’s not taken my appetite away like it did the first time (I lost about 25 lbs and I need to again)I have noticed that my ovulation is getting earlier and stronger which is hopefully a good sign. Even though I’m doing a medicated cycle with Menopur, the metformin helps my body to handle the medication better, and earlier ovulation usually means better quality eggs. Last month, I ovulated on CD17 which was about normal for me before my son was born (down from CD23-30 before metformin) and this month I’m CD14 and it looks like Ovulation is about to happen again. I’ve got the OPKs out just to test each cycle.

Next up, I HAVE to find some way to eat better, lower carb, pronto. I need to lose weight (I’m currently 23 lbs heavier than after my son was born, yowzer) but being stuck at home makes it so hard. I’m snacking constantly on things I shouldn’t be (carbs and sugar mainly) and I’m too exhausted, both mentally and physically, after constant childcare of a tantruming toddler that I can’t and don’t cook. Pizzas and breaded/battered chicken from the freezer are about all I can muster.

But grocery shopping has been done for the week now and I’m motivated. I’m about to use up the remaining eggs in the pantry to make cream cheese pancakes for breakfast this week, I have steaks for lunch/snacking, and chicken breasts for dinner with frozen veg.

I just need to stay away from the leftover easter chocolate, cakes and ice cream now…

Trying again

After deciding to try again, after losing a little weight and saving my money for my next attempt, I was ONE DAY away from calling to start when the country went into lockdown and the clinic shut it’s doors.

So, now I wait. Wait for things to return to normal, wait for the WORLD to return to some form of normality, and most importantly for my clinic to open again for IUI#2. While I’m waiting, I’m using my money to live (self employed wedding photographers aren’t in demand right now, and my next wedding is currently June 2021 because this summer’s have all rescheduled) and I’m quarantined in the house and eating eating eating out of boredom and getting FAAAAT

This year is crazy, and already nothing like I imagined it would be. If you’d told me in January that just 2 months later I would have reconnected with my ex and be talking to him daily, quarantined in my house for 12 weeks minimum due to a global pandemic, have lost my job and sole source of income, and not be able to see my mum for 3-6 months (as well as being totally engrossed in watching a series about a gay, murderous tiger keeper) I would have laughed at the very idea. But life has suddenly become this.

I’m fortunate that thanks to my savings and a little welfare I’m entitled to (not much really, but just enough) I can scrape by for the next year on the bare essentials. We will have a roof over our heads, light and heat, food on the table if not a lot else. Once this lockdown lifts and daycare is open again I can start looking for a part time job, but even if not we will be fine. We have our health, we have each other. It’s just going to be a story to pass down throughout the generations.

Oliver is about to turn 2 (INSANE!) and sadly we are going to be locked away for his birthday so it’ll just be him, myself and the dog but we are going to try to Skype family members on the day to celebrate somehow.

Life, you never cease to surprise me. I should be 6 months pregnant now, preparing for my little one to arrive. But there WILL be a baby B #2 someday – Oliver WILL have a sibling. This has shown me that life is too short to wait.

The Next Chapter

So, it’s all over. This miscarriage wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the last one and in hindsight I think when I was losing the twins I really should have called for an ambulance. I still have the text messages I sent to a friend (who lives in another city) telling her that I was in so much pain I was passing out. I remember leaning against the wall in the bathroom as I sat on the toilet without an ounce of strength.

This time, it was painful as much as my worst period has been, but that was it. Only took one ibuprofen and I managed to look after a toddler, bake a whole beef pie from scratch and clean between contractions. I think I was calmer too because I knew I’d been through it, and birth, before.

Whatever it was, it’s over now. Yesterday was the end of it all and today I feel refreshed, happy and positive looking forward.

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ll try again. I’ve paid for another cycle already (minus the drugs) but something in my head, and possibly my heart, is telling me enough is enough; I have my son and I should be (and am) so grateful for that. Spending not only money, but emotionally energy, on TTC a sibling for him is taking so much away from him. One IUI cycle could be a week for us both in Disneyworld or on a beach in the Caribbean. This entire cycle has taken my attention away from him because I’ve either been stressed about the cycle, sick from the pregnancy, or horribly depressed from the miscarriage. For 4 months he’s shared my attention with…nothing.

So, maybe I will try again, maybe I won’t. Only time will tell.

Misery

I’m struggling. In some ways, this miscarriage is easier even though it was later and I thought I was in the clear. In other ways it’s more difficult, especially when I look at my son and suddenly this baby becomes an actual person.

The struggles are real though, I’m still suffering terribly with morning sickness which likely won’t go away until baby has passed out of my body. I’m trying my best to avoid a D&C – I cannot bear the thought of it and want to do all I can to let my body do it’s thing naturally.

I’ve also told nobody, not a soul. Not my family, not my friends. Nobody knew I was even trying, I wanted it to be a surprise. And then this happened and now I don’t feel I can drop that bombshell on them that I tried, I fell pregnant, and I lost the baby. My last miscarriage also showed me that I didn’t get the support I needed so I think what is the point in saying anything? All I got before was negative remarks and was spoken down to.

Put plainly, this freaking sucks.